I want to talk to Trump voters for a moment. I’m no-one special, but, like everyone else in the world at the moment, I’ve got some thoughts about the Trump-Clinton election that I want to share. I don’t like Trump, but one thing I do like about him is that he doesn’t mince words. Neither do I. This is my case against Donald Trump. It’s harsh, but it’s what I really think. Also, I can make it without using the words “racist” or “sexist” once. You don’t need to bring in the PC Police to see the guy’s not worth a damn as President. Here goes…
The case against Trump:
1) He has no political experience. Hillary Clinton has lots. If you were about to get on a plane, would you rather have a pilot, or a businessman who’s promising to “Make Planes Great Again!”? Now, you might well say “Hillary Clinton is a lousy pilot who crashes planes.” That may be true, but I ask again; if you have no choice but to get on a plane, would you rather have an experienced pilot who occasionally crashes, or a businessman with zero experience who’s promising to “Make Planes Great Again!?” You might be fucked either way, but who is more likely to get you from A to B?
2) He’s “independent”, but that’s not a good thing. Trump never stops talking about how he’s self-funding his campaign so he won’t owe anyone any favours. But Trump is exactly the kind of guy who buys favours from politicians! Voting for Trump because he’s “Independent” is like saying “Ted Cruz took money from Big Pharma…let’s elect the CEO of Pfizer!” All you’re doing is taking out the political middle-man and putting the crook straight in the White House.
And besides, who gives a fuck if Trump is already rich? You think he got rich by not taking money from people?
3) His promises are bullshit. Look at this wall. What would a good wall look like? Well, I’m no expert but at minimum, it would need to be:
- About fifteen feet high minimum.
- About 2,000 miles long.
- Have barbed wire all along the top.
- Have armed guards patrolling it.
- 2,000 miles of floodlights to keep migrants from climbing over at night.
This wall is either going to be built properly and be insanely expensive, or cheap and a pile of shit. No-one wants a cheap shit wall. So let’s pretend Trump can build this great wall. It’s gonna cost billions, and it’s gonna keep costing billions forever! It’s always going to need repairing. The guards are always going to need paying. The electric bill for the God knows how many thousand watt floodlights is always going to need paying. This damn thing has to be 2,000 miles long! It’s going to cost billions forever! Next year, another few billion. The year after that, a few billion more. Forever. And Mexico’s going to pay for this? How? Mexico can’t even pay its own cops enough to stop them from moonlighting for drug dealers. How the fuck are they going to pay this money? Have they got a magic lamp we don’t know about? The wall is a bullshit promise. It’s never going to happen.
Now Trump says he’ll get the money by holding back the cash immigrants send back to Mexico, but that’s just more bullshit. All that’s going to do is open up a black market for illegal money transfers. People are smart. If Mexican crooks can figure out how to get lorry loads of coke and heroin into America, then American crooks can figure out how to get money back into Mexico. That’s just simple common sense.
And then Trump says he’ll threaten to slap tariffs on Mexican goods. All that’s going to do is make more Mexicans want to come into the US. If they can’t make a living in Mexico because of these tariffs, where are they going to go? That’s right. America. The whole wall thing is bullshit. If it gets built, Mexico isn’t going to pay one red cent for it.
And what about tunnels? Remember that El Chapo guy? The one Sean Penn did that weird interview with? He broke out of jail through a tunnel 2 miles long. And that was just for one guy! How is this magic wall going to stop people tunnelling under it?
4) He’s weak. Say what you like about Hillary Clinton, but she’s a tough-as-nails stone-cold bitch and that’s a good thing if you’re dealing with hard bastards like Putin. Bill Maher once made a joke about Donald Trump’s dad being an orang-utan and Trump sued! How can someone that thin-skinned ever possibly be President? The guy’s a pussy, no two ways about it. If a comedian makes a joke about your dad and the first thing you do is call your lawyer, you’re a pussy. If you want a hard bitch who doesn’t even know how to back down, vote Clinton. If, instead, you want a cry-baby who hides behind his lawyers and eats his pizza with a knife and fork, vote for Trump.
See? A fucking FORK!!
5) He’s unhealthy. He’s old, fat, beet-faced. He always looks like he’s ten seconds away from a massive stroke. I think he should make his health records public. People have the right to know if their next President is going to stroke out if he climbs two flights of stairs. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Trump climb stairs.
So yeah. That’s Trump, a beet-faced bullshit merchant with no clue how government works who makes fake promises and is still going to take money from corporations because that’s just what guys like him do.
If you disagree, feel free to let me have both barrels in the comments.